A carousel of confusion: My dilemma

     These past weeks have been such a whirlwind of emotions, I go from being furious to happy and chirpy then suddenly, when I finally should feel something, I don't feel anything. I feel like I've exhausted my emotions. I'm waiting for it to hit me for it doesn't sound like reality yet. But i have a feeling it will not come. That emotion. Right now I'm forcing myself to feel something and yet I still feel nothing. All those emotions I've shown are forced, one that I show because i know I should show in that situation. I feel bad cuz I really ought to feel something. I'm confused, stuck in a place where I don't know anything.

I should feel mad, sad, depressed. I should be crying and wanting to claw someone's face and yet I just sigh and shake my head.

     I just lost someone that should be dear to me. I'm suppose to cry and mourn, do every possible thing. But I don't feel ANYTHING! It's frustrating. And now my family is falling apart because of this, I should feel furious, mad, sad, depressed. Yet again, why am I not feeling anything?!

     Right now, I'm far from home thinking and thinking if I should return. The timing is right but my feet are stuck to the ground. I'm living my life normally like nothing happened in fact everything changes. 

     I keep hoping it's a delayed reaction but i really don't feel like it's going to happen. Help me Lord. This isn't right. I'm confused and scared at myself. I'm trying to think about it, then i'm trying to distract myself. I feel weird. Is it already one of the signs that I'm disorientated? Sure doesn't feel like it. I'm confused. 

Inconsiderate Idiotic group mates

     Doing an assignments/project/group work etc have always been a challenge to me especially regarding choosing the right team mates to do it. For 3 years, I've seen many types of idiots to great members. Cooperative and smart one's I like because you don't have to spoon feed them and they can give you the work on time and it's also of good quality. I'm also okay with the moderate one's who might need just a little guidance because they are willing to learn, they are still cooperative. The one's that really piss me off are those overly stubborn stupid one's! The one's that doesn't want to learn, keep saying they don't know how to do it when I specifically spelled out each steps to them. Even worse are the one's that copy and paste EVERYTHING from another person's work and doesn't even cite them. I find this rather infuriating and hilarious at the same time when you asked them what they meant in their work and they gave you the simple answer, I don't know. And usually they'll laugh and tell you that. That's really when you feel like taking a hammer and cave their face in. 
      I face to face at least one of these idiots every semesters and i don't know what's wrong with my luck. With each semester i feel myself ageing prematurely thanks to these idiots. I made the mistake of accepting this one friend of mine who i KNOW doesn't do well in assignments. I regret the very day. Actually I didn't want to but she forced herself into the group and i wasn't in the position to say anything. She doesn't just plagiarize, she's too stubborn to learn and keep telling me she doesn't know how to do. After explaining to her she says she understand and yet when i accepted her work it's full of useless crap. I told her and i told her again that her work is wrong and she doesn't give a shit, just did a little bit of tweaking and she think she's done. OMG!!!! she's so inconsiderate and selfish!!! She left me a mess that I have to clean up for her. Even worse is that she think she's doing it right and she keeps making me mad by looking so free and easy everyday, posting pictures of herself on facebook! GAH!!! she's hopeless. I want to call her every possible insults but I'm holding back.

     I have my own life to live but she's draining it little by little every single day. I get so worked up and tired every night for this week that i barely have time for entertainment. That's me, if the matter is serious I need to fix it before i can do anything else. This is a group evaluation and if she messes it up, she mess with my marks too so i can't, i really can't ignore her.
     Oh please just give me a break!! I've had a rough week having to deal with another few assholes who likes to find fault in anything I do. We're college students for heaven's sake, can't they BE like an adult instead of a spoil whiny kid who doesn't need me to cover their ass every time they don't do something well? Don't just run to me with every small matter that can be easily dealt with themselves. I think i've done enough for them, I'm a great leader but I don't deserve to do everything for them. I feel like tearing my hair out everyday when i see their work. I thought i was the only one who has anger management issues but NO, a few more friends of mine confirmed that they are equally mad about it. So it really isn't my problem, it's that person. I've had enough really~~ Just stop......

Only a "Burning Soul" ~

     Having recently just discovering the existence of Lee Jong Hyun from CNBLUE through watching the drama A Gentleman's Dignity, I have officially became a fan or Burning Soul, as how they call his fans. As a new fan, it really makes me wonder how I never noticed him before in the band even though I'm pretty familiar with the band. That made me into thinking. The answer came to me and haters gonna hate it- It's all the band leader, Jung Yong Hwa's fault. 
     Lee Jong Hyun has a great voice ( soft and smooth?), great look with a killer smile, good at guitar and he composes songs too. He's nothing short of their band leader and yet his exposure is lesser. I get it, he's introvert but that isn't an excuse. I noticed that ALL of the members are being out-shined by Yong Hwa. Sure he's more outstanding, comical, talkative, active etc. Still, they really need to give the other members a chance to shine individually on stage too. Before they even started acting, I really didn't know who they are. Jung Shin I recognize from "Seo Young My Daughter" and Min Hyuk through his appearance in Juniel's MV.
     AND I was appalled to see Jong Hyun standing on his normal right corner performing his own song. I mean, isn't the main character suppose to stand in the middle? it's common sense! Instead I see Yong Hwa standing in the middle being a vase. So yeah, it irks me. Even in the songs they performed, even though yong hwa is the main vocalist but as i mentioned, I think Jong hyun has even better vocals or at least the same. Then he should have equal chance to sing in every songs instead of just singing a tiny part and being a backup for the rest. The only job he get's to do most of the time is flaunting his guitar skills. The only time he get's to sing more is when he sings his self composed songs. And still, Yong Hwa has to be in it. You have any idea how hard it is to listen to any of Jong Hyun's songs without at least being interrupted by Yong Hwa's rather high pitched voice?!
     But i'm grateful that Jong hyun did well in acting which earned him at least some recognition or else he'll always be like a shadow in the group. Jung Shin and Min Hyuk too. Yong Hwa's fan is gonna hate this but i don't care. I'm just being fan to ONE person and that's Jong Hyun. So he's a bit weak (as how i saw in running man) and he has exaggerated actions when he get's excited. But it's all forgotten when I see that adorable smile, cute laughter and hear that voice. There's really something about guys with great smiles (don't forget those dimples)and good voice that makes me go weak in the knees. His passion and warmth really touches me. It's sad to see that sometimes he doesn't have much self confidence.I know how low confidence can push you into being an introvert.
So yeah, being a Burning Soul does make me defensive. (Sigh)