A carousel of confusion: My dilemma

     These past weeks have been such a whirlwind of emotions, I go from being furious to happy and chirpy then suddenly, when I finally should feel something, I don't feel anything. I feel like I've exhausted my emotions. I'm waiting for it to hit me for it doesn't sound like reality yet. But i have a feeling it will not come. That emotion. Right now I'm forcing myself to feel something and yet I still feel nothing. All those emotions I've shown are forced, one that I show because i know I should show in that situation. I feel bad cuz I really ought to feel something. I'm confused, stuck in a place where I don't know anything.

I should feel mad, sad, depressed. I should be crying and wanting to claw someone's face and yet I just sigh and shake my head.

     I just lost someone that should be dear to me. I'm suppose to cry and mourn, do every possible thing. But I don't feel ANYTHING! It's frustrating. And now my family is falling apart because of this, I should feel furious, mad, sad, depressed. Yet again, why am I not feeling anything?!

     Right now, I'm far from home thinking and thinking if I should return. The timing is right but my feet are stuck to the ground. I'm living my life normally like nothing happened in fact everything changes. 

     I keep hoping it's a delayed reaction but i really don't feel like it's going to happen. Help me Lord. This isn't right. I'm confused and scared at myself. I'm trying to think about it, then i'm trying to distract myself. I feel weird. Is it already one of the signs that I'm disorientated? Sure doesn't feel like it. I'm confused.